I miss

You know that feeling when the person you're closest to suddenly vanishes from your life? You feel sad, no? And that the world might just collapse anytime. 

-

Well, I was supposed to feel that way a couple of years ago. But I didn't.

Guess what? That sudden spurt of 'I miss' and 'Why must you go' is here now. Better late than never, eyh?

--

Dude, you were and probably still are (if you were here now) my best friend. A friend that takes an entire lifetime to forget. We were friends for about a decade before you moved away.

I was a jerk, or maybe you were, or maybe it was us. We were full of ourselves, but I can never forget how happy and content we were in each other's company. I could spend hours and days and months and years with you. Your house was mine and my house was yours. You knew my biggest darkest secrets, secrets I'd never been able to tell anyone before and after you left.

-

We did everything together, and I guess you were the reason to why I am who I am today. People see me as a bubbly person, talkative and always full of jokes. It was you. You helped to shape me that way. You taught me how to be myself, how important it is to not care about the things people say about me.

--

I need you right here, right now. I need to tell you all about my life. I need a friend that is actually a friend. Over the years where you're not here, I've been stabbed, stepped on, shit on. By those who I call friends. It's not nice, I tell you. 

But I know you wouldn't ever do that to me. I just know it.

--

Remember when we were in standard 3? Darsh asked for your phone number and I was technically the only one who memorised it. You also snuck the pics of the twins without your mother's permission just because I asked to see them babies' faces. I remember you saying that one's head was like an apple and the other was like an orange.

Standard 5, we fought for about a year, you and Hanis vs me and Ameera. We did not speak to each other but you and I were put in the same group for sivik. I remember calling you guys ''katak'' because you guys were searching for tadpoles in puddles of water at the school field, which meant you guys were late to queue after pj. We also fought over who was closer to Sry Khairun Aini and Zulaikha Nadhirah, even though we never actually announced it. Then Hanis and I sent each other letters to make truce. I remember the words ''pukul 12 kita cakap tau'' ''Nervousnya nak cakap. '' ''Haah nervous gila.'' ''Kau ke aku cakap dulu ni?'' ''Macam nak cakap dengan alien pulak'' on the letters.

Standard 6, you had that crush and Nina claimed that you held the 'party of the year'. I remember that game where we had to hang our legs mid-air once the music stopped. The stupidest game ever, yet also the most meaningful.

Form 1, we went to the haunted house of smksi and the 'ghosts' flirted with us. You didn't want to be at the back of the line because you were a freaked out ass.

You taught me how to ice skate. The main reason you entered jess was because of my intensive persuasions. I also had my mother met the school principle just to change your class from 1 Cendekia to 1 Optimis.

Form 2, we went back to your atok's house and you skipped school eventhough I was the sick one. I remember us falling asleep together on the bed at 1.30 pm and woke up at 6.40pm.

I remember using your toilet and you telling the whole world about that in your blog. Your words were 'Rabi's in the toilet, doing her business. *shivers*' 

And then you had that operation. We spent those two weeks of June holidays just chilling and watching movies while eating white chocolate chips. This was the time when we had that really huge crush on Devon Bostick, courtesy of the Diary of A Wimpy Kid. We stalked him via the Internet big time, we also hunted the movies that he starred in. We baked too and Hazim and Arif's friends would gobble them down like a pack of wolves.

We too, would play with Syaza when we skipped mumtaz.

Form 3. Syaza's birthday party. I was the odd one out. And you'd call apek every time we head back home. It didn't matter which ''home'' it was, your home was my home and my home was your home. We did those crazy videos and we even recorded our version of Gangnam Style dances.

I still remember, one time, it was 8pm and out of the blue, we decided to go to Jusco Balakong to watch movies. Well, that was what we did. We watched Happy Feet 2 because we already watched all the other movies that were available at the cinemas that time.
I also remember your sudden fall while we were sitting and learning at Sri Latha. She gave you a more stable plastic chair the week after that.

We also skipped ptm kajang numerous times. I remember our class starting at 2 and we played bowling six rounds before that. Why? Because we were bored and decided to play bowling, randomly.

Everything was so random with you, and no one is as good at being random as us. With other people it was all planning weeks before. Where's the fun in that eyh? With other people, it was always manners and discipline. Well, we were always the retarded duo and never the normal ones.

--

The other thing about us is that we'd always call one another the worst names and neither one were ever upset with the names thrown over us. You called me once, and once the phone was answered, you went all ''oi bangang''. What you didn't know was that my mom was the one who answered. I still remember laughing at you when you apologised profusely to my mother. 

Now, I don't have anyone to call names on. The worst I could get away with are ''hantu, mak nenek, mak cik''. People would get sensitive and they'd scold me. I hate that. We used to call each other ''bitch'' and ''slut'' and it was all okay.

--
All of my extended family and even the friends of my family members' knew you. And it was like that about me on your side too. We stuck around each other so much that the little time I had without you, people'd ask about you.
-

No one can ever replace you. Now I've realized how hurtful it is to have lost someone who means the world to you.

-

But you know what, I shall not sulk. I know you're happier there, you're happier than you've ever been, and that you've found new people in your life that's probably a thousand times better than I am. I'm glad. Stay happy, my friend.

---

I smurf you.

I sometimes mull over what would've happened if you were still here. I'd never plunge myself into the hellhole a few months back. You'd take care of me. I know you would. 

--

It's just so hard now. Things are tough and I feel like vanishing into thin air. Life is never really fair. Kan?

-

To lose you is like losing another part of me. But that's okay.

All hopes of having you back is distinguished, it's never the same person who comes back anyway.